On Erratic Creative Energies

This year has been unusual, to say the least. Of course I’m not alone in thinking or feeling this.

To be honest, this has NOT been the worst year of my life by any stretch. Actually, by comparison, it has been a pretty good year. The Covid-19 pandemic hasn’t affected me as much as others. The most it has done is limit my choices and, more realistically, limited my impulsive choices more than anything.

There are two exceptions to this. One is not being able to see my daughter (the rest of the family, too). That has taken a toll on me, and has severely impacted the second one.

My creative energies have been erratic this year. I have days or even weeks that are bursting with energy like logs splitting in a fire. I can’t stop with the creativity and work and the excitement!

And then — SNAP like a light switch that has been turned off, the energy is gone. Darkness. Even despair. And I sit there staring, wondering “What happened?” The creativity is gone, the energy is gone, the drive, the excitement, the desire — all gone. It’s like being overwhelmed by fatigue.

Slowly, the energy comes back — sometimes for a week or two, sometimes just for a day. These waves are unpredictable and make one feel exhausted. I thought, well maybe it’s the pandemic and cabin fever. But my life hasn’t changed all that much. Then I thought it is perimenopause. That is a very likely candidate.

However, in talking with others (mostly artists) I’ve discovered these waves of creative energy, these highs & lows, are very common. The unpredictability is also common. It is not easy to deal with in normal years, but the added stresses of the pandemic (it has affected my life more than I realized, even if not as much as others’ lives), compounded with ongoing perimenopausal symptoms, has made the erratic energies stand out even more than before.

Or so it seems. I went back and read my journal entries from previous years & months and discovered this is not new for me at all. It just feels that way because it is happening to me right now.

And that’s what’s bothering me. The erratic energy is going on right now and I’d like it to stop. I keep trying to blame something for it, but in reality it just…is. And that’s OK.