On Impostor Syndrome

During my meeting the other night, one of the topics that came up was how to write an artist statement.

I had a question about how to write one when I hadn't really defined myself as an artist yet. Having been in a completely different career for so long, making the switch to an artist (when I am not formally trained or educated as one) has been a difficult identity to define.

My inquiry was somewhat misunderstood by the presenter and some of the people who were there. They interpreted my it as one of impostor syndrome. I did not argue or correct them. On the one hand, I knew that they were interpreting the question through their own filters (which is fine, I can figure out myself on my own).

On the other hand, it got me thinking that maybe I do have impostor syndrome. (???)  Maybe that really is what is going on. That I don't feel like I am an artist because I don’t have the lifetime of being one or a formal education to support that identity. Stephen, the presenter, was quite helpful about that actually, and said (I paraphrase) it doesn’t matter whether you’ve been making art since you were four or just started four years ago. Your starting point is your starting point. I liked that.

Nevertheless, it is taking time for me to turn the corner all the way. I have talked to John about this a lot: I often feel like the artwork that I'm doing is just something I'm doing to bide my time until something else (better?) comes along. And that somehow magically (???) I am going to go back to working in student success and student development? Because that is what I was told my professional – and thus, social – success would come from.

The irony is that I have absolutely NO interest in doing that work again! I love what I do. I love the freedom of my day, the freedom of my creativity, I love working from home, I love not having to deal with other people because God knows how stressful and anxious that was for me. So I don't fully understand why I see this as temporary rather than my new identity.

The only thing that I’ve been able come up with is that I had worked so long and hard to develop that professional identity in order to 1) leave Nebraska, 2) make a decent salary, and 3) meet my goal that I had set for myself when I got my Master’s degree in Anthropology in the first place. So when those goals were met and I was able to change careers I guess I didn’t acknowledge them.

It isn’t that I didn’t set new goals as an artist. I’ve met all those as well. I started my art work, decided I am a quilt artist who sometimes dabbles in craft making, and I started my business. Maybe the answer is that I need to hone those goals. I’ve built the quilt top and it is sandwiched, but I still need to add the layers of applique fabric, decide on the thread colors for detail quilting, add some shading. The binding is a long way off… and maybe that’s ok…

I’m not an impostor. I’m in development.